But the heroine of the book that catapulted kink into the mainstream isn't representative of what actual women grapple with. In real life, submissive women are far more complex, their relationships not easily summarized in a contract.
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Here, a year-old in the field of education technology shares what it's like to negotiate rules about masturbation, flirting, and even speaking, how she's using submission to work on body image issues, and how feminism plays an active role in her relationship. My freshman year in college 14 years ago was the turning point of when I became an active, academic feminist. I was a women and gender studies minor, and wrote a gender-centric thesis as well as a similar master's thesis at an Ivy League school.
I'm currently the faculty advisor to the women's student group on campus. I would consider being a feminist an integral part of my personality.
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It's only been about nine months since I've recognized that I'm a submissive, although I've been circling around the idea my whole life. For as long as I can remember, I've had submissive fantasies, such as bondage or being coerced into a sexual act, or being called a slut. With a fairly religious upbringing, I was horribly conflicted by these thoughts, even to the point of being disgusted with myself that this was what I needed to have an orgasm. I never shared these fantasies with my partners; even my ex-husband only knew the tip of the iceberg.
He would indulge me by sometimes pinning my arms down or spanking me during sex, but when I asked for more, he told me that he felt uncomfortable treating his wife in a way he saw as degrading. His refusal only confirmed my own self-judgment: Respectable girls don't do this.
Strong feminists would never ask for this. My ex-husband was not a real take-charge kind of man in bed, and when I felt that lack of decisiveness, it made me so anxious that I stepped up.
He remarked one time that I didn't know how to just stay still and be fucked, I always had to fuck back. At the time, I took this as a compliment, proof that I was a feminist in bed. But over a few years I realized that when I took on that role, I was in my head too much, thinking of what I should do next, what I could do to get him off.
I couldn't sexually multitask. When I was calling the shots in bed, I couldn't lose myself in the moment and feel what was happening. This is the main reason I choose to be sexually submissive: I need my Dom to force me out of my head and back into my body, so that I can relax and concentrate on sensation.
As a sub it's not my job to think of what to do next or to get anxious that I haven't had an orgasm yet. I can turn off my inner monologue and just have fun. Being tied up or blindfolded only adds to this experience, which is why I'm a big fan of bondage. A year into our marriage, my ex-husband's successful career ended. He was never able to pull himself out of the resulting depression and self-doubt. In this crisis, I stepped up and took charge. But slowly our dynamic changed from being lovers to me being his caregiver. I felt strong and independent as the breadwinner, but emotionally starved.
I viewed him not as my partner or my equal, but as a dependent. I became resentful and lost all my respect for him. I stayed in the marriage for three more years before I left him. When I was leading our relationship, I took on a hyper-analytical, business frame of mind where I disconnected from my emotions. I didn't love my husband; I managed him. What I crave more than anything in my current relationship is vulnerability, of knowing that even though I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, I'm choosing to let a person in and allow them to take care of me.
That is what true intimacy is for me. But since I will step up and crush my partner if I sense weakness—I've been described as the velociraptor in Jurassic Park who always tests the electric fences to make sure they're still on—I've come to realize I need a much stronger, more capable, and dominant person to make me feel comfortable enough to truly let go.
My current relationship started on OkCupid. I put up a profile and some of the questions you can answer are kink related. I said I was interested in trying it.
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Q: My partner and I are enthusiastic newbies to the world of power play. I have always loved the idea of being a submissive , but was never able to find a partner who would explore it with me.
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How can we take our power play to the next level? A: Thanks for your question! Power play is a pretty broad category, and there is a huge world for the two of you to explore together. Venturing into the land of dominance and submission requires a little research. First, you want to define what you even mean by dominance and submission. This Wikipedia entry about domination and submission and this one about BDSM terms have great overviews of many of the definitions and possibilities.
Even acts that seem straightforward, like spanking, can become dangerous if done improperly for example, spanking too hard or hitting delicate parts of the body. Power play can bring up emotional issues as well.
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Power play requires an unbelievable amount of trust, and that level of trust takes time to build. I recommend reading How To Be A Healthy And Happy Submissive by Kate Kinsey, which will help you anticipate some of the dynamics that might come up for you, and learn some strategies about how to deal with them. At the very least, read through this article and talk through each of the suggestions together.
Identify some baby steps to take, and make sure you are explicitly clear about your boundaries beforehand. Any time one of you utters the safeword, that means that you need to immediately stop whatever you were doing and check in with each other. It can take time to develop your submissive identity, so playing a role can make it easier to come up with things to say and actions to take. Try out king or queen and servant, sergeant and private, or student and teacher.
Bondage is a literal way to play around with control. For beginners, the Sportsheets Under The Bed Restraint System is easy to use and has velcro straps that can be undone quickly.
Learn How To Be Submissive & Have Kinkier Sex
One of the easiest ways to play up the power dynamic is by using your language. You can emphasize your servitude to your partner by asking for their permission in the bedroom. Plead with your partner to touch or kiss you.